the ugly days

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

And then there are those days when you feel about two inches small as a parent, because you were already in a grumpy mood near the end of the day when your toddler slid the stool over to where you were pitting cherries so she could watch but she ends up slamming it into your bare foot and *damn* that hurt, and you growl "Be careful! Watch where you are going!" with a face that does *not* smile. No, let's be yell those words. Not in a red-faced way (though you are fully capable of going there), but with an amount of anger that demonstrates a loss of self-control - there's quite a bit more meanness in your tone than you should want. The wave of shame and heartache at not being able to take it back comes fierce and swift, and you start to cry before she even realizes you were mad at her. Scooping her up, you apologize over and over again and say again and again how much you love her, and it's only when she sees your tears that she crumbles and then you both are there in the middle of the kitchen, fingers dripping with cherry juice, eyes dripping with tears, voices wailing. Ok, a little dramatic, but in the moment and with the addition of pregnancy hormones, it sucks. And then, as the parent, your job is also to draw her out of her tears, to distract, but the heartache of the offender stays with you as "nice mommy" comes back and you sing to her and give her bites of juicy cherry. She smiles, laughs, chats on about how the knife you are using to cut the cherries is sharp (I gave birth to the most cautious and observant child ever) and asks for more bits of cherry, and for her the moment is forgotten, forgiven. I wish I could forgive that easily.

And these are the little things you don't post about, because they are wrought with ugly (and I know there are more regrets to come). But these occasionally happen too, alongside the funny days and the dance party days and the cuddly days and all the "please will you stay small?" days. I am so incredibly thankful that we don't live one, long, unending day, but that we get a chance to start another day fresh again: the sun sets, we rest, it rises, we rise again to a new day.

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